Letter from Charlotte Cushman to Emma Crow Cushman, Jan 26, 1865
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Library of Congress, Charlotte Cushman Papers, Manuscript Division, Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.Creator
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[736] Rome January 26 1865
Dearest & sweetest daughter +++ friend & [love,] only think how many things combined in any one of these words for surely any one in our case comprehends the whole! +++ not happy think[?] you that it should be so? Few people in the world are so blest as I have been with affection. always & +++ one to love me best But I could never have hoped to combine in one person so many happy relations, as come to me through you my darling. who never fails me. never disappoints me at least in things of any great importance. Here on Monday to greet me after my return from my hunt was your precious letter of the 2nd & 3rd of January just 20 days from your dear hands! Your letters used to be looked for anxiously enough in old times – but now there is a double interest. and in every thing you tell me of dear sweet baby. I am contented & happy. Don't think I can be tired of hearing about him. The same things over & over again will be sweet to me. for I just +++ him & dont care now much you write about all his little ways. I can't know. all the little growths and developments of his +++ you must write me fo in compensation for all I lose in being separated from him. It seems as though I was never to enjoy the daily presence of such angels. Nothing so human for a woman. nothing is so satisfying to a woman's soul if she has any +++ as this witnessing the daily growth of a little creature whom she loves as I love this one sweet darling. This too has +++ +++ circumstances should have made it seem +++ proper that he should have to leave me this winter The very sweetest hours in his life for me to have +++ with me. he will never love me as he would have learned to love me in this first days & you must try to shorten those days as much as you possibly can
[736 reverse] These are early days of speculation. as to what can be during this coming summer. I know it will be proper for your own father & mother to have dear baby for a time with them & among him. Therefore I do not ask of you to make your plans for joining me / if I am not able & come to you too early in the summer but do not make any calculation which will take prevent your being with me next winter. I want you very much more than you know. Circumstances, which I cannot control. keep me here in Rome for +++ three years longer. after that I shall be more free to move & I shall move. if I +++ & find it in any way advisable for myself. Rome suits me very well as a residence better than almost any place. I know of for a winter residence. +++ it may be, that we may choose to make one winter home here. Even after my obligations to her here are loosened – but that is for them to make clear & decided. only I must have some help[?] to remain here. during the time that those obligations hold me, and such help I can only get through my darlings. who must come to me & be with me & make my home! As I am I am torn by conflicting demands & cares. I want to do one thing & am made to do another this makes me restless & unsatisfied & yet I am never free. I never have an unoccupied moment & yet very few are so filled as to give me absolute satisfaction. If I had my children with me. they might occupy me to the very end of my time & strength. but there would or some compensation – which now there seldom or never is. I have got my household into a better form than it has ever been. to be sure I have a large establishment. but I am more comfortable. I have now a first rate cook – he has a +++ – who
[737] also +++ ++++ +++. I have a +++ donna di facenda. or housemaid & my foot man is incomparably the best servant I ever saw. +++ as in himself, he has to keep the house clean. but in see an old house [last three words inserted] +++ +++ of course one cannot keep very +++ from dust. He takes the entire care of my nephew's rooms. The donna takes +++ care of my bedroom & entire care off to rooms on the 3rd story where Mss Rodick & +++ +++ are. So I have a comparatively well regulated household and my darling would find herself very comfortable here! It is my intention when Hattie leaves for her house to do up the rooms she leaves in my house here. as a parlor & dining room. & then the rooms up the next flights of stairs will be as in houses in America all bedrooms upstairs. This will make one splendid large bedroom. with 3 windows looking over to & +++ full of sun. & two back ones smaller. but very nice & sweet & clean. The very fresh air in all Rome. and in these +++ quarters my darlings will be housed when they come to live with me to be the comfort & satisfaction of my life. & get to have an independent apartment into which they can retire when they have had enough of me – indeed I imagine that I should then live a very much quieter life not so much visiting or +++ in visit. but passing my time upstairs instead of down in me own room But oh. I must have them with me. I told uncle Charles in one of my confidential moments that I could not live in this way any longer & must have you with me & he replies. "I think the idea of your having them with you & letting Ned lead a life of idleness perfectly absurd!" So that is all the help I get there. My reply would be. show me a +++ & a business for Ned to go into. Where he would do any thing but lose all he has gained. & I shall
[737 reverse] never be the one to bring him away from it. I have found that by letting him sacrifice my happiness & your comfort by going to St Louis to live for three years. But if he is to go into any business. he is not able to look after himself. he will be robbed & +++ & lift. I have been only a mortification & disappointment. at least he will have the association of ladies & gentlemen & be compelled to behave accordingly & that is going to be as good for him as ++ -ing to be in business & not only getting no good but losing all he has to your fathers dis+++ and vexation. & our disappointment & chagrin Gradually he would get to reading or some kind of occupation which would be just as good for +++ as walking up & down a store with his hands in his pockets, talking politics & which is what he[?] would do. let him be in what business he would. He would have plenty of occupation here— +++ after you & baby & me & the stable. & keeping him -self in health by exercise. at all events. I want to try it. & after 2 years if it dont do. I will give up & +++ will be no worse off +++ & just as fitted for business — while by that time the war will have resolved itself & people will keep[?] where they are & what they have to live upon. I +++ while having had some little comfort of my children & they some more intimate daily +++ ++ of me further than can be had in these few months of meeting which in the summers when in the are always carrying the poisoned +++ that we are to part again after a certain time to meet[?] again – we know not when. I want to pass a time[?] in Switzerland too – it can be done in no other way.
[738] and when I hear of his giving such +++ & +++ such presents to be given[?] to +++ my indignation rises to its highest points oh of I could only get some good news from the Harlan matter— but I fear never shall! How strange it is that Mr Bishop gives no sign at all. & dont write to your father after my begging him to do so! You ask me in the +++ +++ up of your letter to decide on coming to you next spring ah my darling. unless I am called away +++ +++. I cannot leave here until June when I hope aunt Em will have finished her Columbus: Then I must stop a little with mother in London. & if I am ever compelled for sake of the Mann statue to come to Boston I should not be able to come until the very last of August or first of September to come back again in early October! So as to escape bad weather & let grandmother & uncle Charles see dear baby a little while before getting away +++ south to Italy, where I do not wish to arrive late. However all this is only speculation. But next to being with you is writing to & hearing from you. & next to that the greatest pleasure
[738 reverse] +++ +++ +++ is when I shall see your +++ ah when all this fininshes[?] — & I have all with me. if only for a time. I shall +++ to find some [rest[?]] as I am now. I am +++ worse the ree. Ever my dear love & a hundred kisses to dear Ned. a thousand to my dear baby & whatever you like in quantity or quality for your precious self whom I love like the apple of my eye! - Ever my kind love to Lucy & George. dear love to [Mrs[?]] Howe. & also to the Fields & Mrs [Freeman[?]] poor aunt Belle. God be with you my +++ & bless you & love you & help you in all things. I shall write one word to +++ just to say goodbye in closing my letter & wish dear that you would get me from +++ & +++. +++ dozen more of those cards of me. The figure which stands [before][?] the +++ the +++ +++ +++ +++ on +++ & the head +++ one the right shoulder +++ +++ +++ +++ back +++ the [smallest] they ever took of me
[739] [although] to go early in the +++ I will commence my letter to my dear one over the [wake] for I have a few moments to wait for an appointment with Mr Whipple, the Bishop of Minnesota who is here sojourning for a short time (with the +++ on his way to the Holy Land -) & who has preached for us here to our [satisfaction] three Sundays. He is a very sweet minded man - not strong [intellectually] though I believe he has done good work in the west among the Indians. whom he has much human -ised. My friends the [minister] of New York, took this gentleman into +++ hands — & brought him from the wish to go to the Holy hand with them . but on his way. something occurred which made it to the interest of the Indian that he should return there & he gave up the opportunity afforded here by +++ +++ but after the return of the Minister to England in this last spring - very seet for him & he joined them there where he has been sojourning for some time. In England he and Mr William [aspire] all & his family. who were coming into [Italy] & at last they have come here. They are very nice people among the very nicest in New York & I am pleased to have them like me. Mrs Haggerty also to here with her daughters. the one who married Robert Shaw. & also an unmarried daughter who seems an +++ +++. Mrs Astor is also here. in fact a regular influx of New York people. At my reception yesterday there came to see me, introduced by Bishop Whipple a Mrs Newburry from Chicago - who was very pretty & very nice a bright chearful little woman. as +++ +++ Rome holds for Americans this winter — but [within][?] this last +++ Thursdays. There have come more. The Bishop has been begging me to become a communicant This is a subject upon which I have never talked to any one. Therefore I was very glad to be spoken to. During all the working day part of my life I was shifted about so much from post to pillar that I had never a fixed home long enough to care sufficiently for any one
[739 reverse] +++ it make him my confession of faith or talk to him about any doubt & fear rd & I have struggled on by myself & talked to no one. The bishop had a +++ here last week & begged me to be present. I was so & was much impressed with the solemnity of his ad dress & the occasion. I have very very often wished to become a communicant but did not see the way +++ how to be. But I shall look to it. I dont believe it will make me a better woman. but it may teach me to have a greater faith. PM. The Bishop came & I have had a long talk with him which has satisfied me a good deal upon some points which have always troubled me. But he says I must take certain things upon faith as the dutiful was forced to do. though others of the +++ turned their backs & went out from Christ when he proposed his communion. and as [Bartolomew?] was obliged +++ when +++ clay ++ his eye sight. +++ he had trodden upon & knew as the +++ thing which could not restore the eye sight – "yet through the faith in Christ he was made to see so . There are certain things which I must not attempt to reason about or I shall become blinded with accumulating doubts. to believe is better than to reason! Can I do this can I become as a little child! and yet according to the Bishop. I must do so. we shall see. It would give me a comfort to be a communicant. if I could feel I was good enough to be so. Then the Bishop says. Christ came not for the good alone. Else how did he accept the Magdalena when all others would have turned her out! But I have +++ too far beyond all that. I fear! If I must take every thing or any thing upon blind faith. what is to stop me at Episcopalism I must thence go on to Catholicism! [I there] wallow. Alas. I fear! Friday. Yesterday I went to St Peters. +++ & +++ I got them places in the Loggia. so that we looked +++ on all the ceremony. & it was very beautiful! certainly no place was ever made so fitting for such pagants as are
[740] +++ there as this same St Peters church. Everything therein can +++ +++ ++ the effect & these +++ shows they are. how little are the things they do. he +++ so much as they tell you they do. The carroll were in the loggia & +++ +++ explained a great many things to me which I did not know. I have not seen much of them for we are so particularly out of sympathy. That it is hard for me to talk to [them]. Always this +++ +++ ++++ & a fate always +++ into my month. the things I ought not +++ +++ to these +++ +++ to say. & seem so stupid. from for I cannot talk upon any other subjects to them! We had such a gorgeous day & my thoughts were much with my dear ones. from whom sand no letter this week. Why, I know not, for I had letters from your father & a note from dear Ned. I have thought that perhaps. you got no letter from me that week & so did not send +++ one. and yet this is not like my darling to neglect her auntie who so loves her. for anything or anybody else. unless our darling baby should be ailing & she was not able to write. I am doubly anxious for your letters now my precious . so you must write, & see that your letters [make][?] the post in time, or I shall have – as I am having the now – a week of anxiety. I had hoped that if you had been late in posting your letter. I should have got it by the following Saturdays post. & so it would have reached me today — & perhaps I may get it yet today +++ which +++! We have had such +++ warm weather this season & it continues to alternate with +++ more than I ever remember it in Rome! Still I am keeping pretty well thanks to the sulphate of +++, which has made my hands very smooth & comfortable. - & my riding on horseback. which is a great thing for me here. I only ride twice a week but then I am four hours each time in the saddle not doing very much hard riding. for +++ about but it does me great good. & see that the days are not half long enough for all I have to do. I am very
[740 reverse] +++ winter. My summers +++ +++ & worry through the devils of servants) did no great good. The long walks we used to take were +++ for me & I should not mind just such another summer (barring the high life below stairs.) – I have a +++ in my house — in Dr +++ of Mobile. such a nice +++ fellow. +++ southerner – but a man in whom +++ takes precedence over polities. He came alone +++ & since, he came has made a very great +++ in surgical operations in diseases of women. He +++ in Paris most of the time & done marvelous things. so now has come to London. & has taken my house for year. at a good rental. I have renewed my lease another 21 years. so, by & by we shall be living there ourselves perhaps. If the war finishes & exchange goes down. & I get anything from Harlan matter (which by the by. your father begins to have a glimmering hope about). & my darlings come to live with me. so a lot of ifs. & get more off of them, at all +++ or impossible – I will put another room over the [dining][?] room in Bolton Row. which will make the house much more valuable. I had a very nice woman in charge of[?] the house. & Dr +++ has taken her as cook. so that I feel quite safe about the house. & if I ever have another[?] summer in England like the last. her being +++ house will be a great advantage, because she can heave her husband in charge of the house & she can come to me in the country to cook. which was +++ one trouble this summer. If any one but Sallie (who had been held up as a model to +++) had arranged the meals . so that Sallie would not have been made +++ a +++ (of me & every one else) she would not have got into such terrible disgrace. The cook would have +++ these meals & places & salons if she had been +++ +++ have returned to her own room & sulked it out. But we shall all know better another time & my darling will have learned a lesson about praising Sallie too much to her own servants I regret so much what happened last summer as I think +++ is a valuable servant to you. Though +++ a sufficiently healthy one for baby. But time may help +++. Now goodbye & god bless my darlings both. He only knows how dear they are to me & as +++ +++ so will he bless +++ I love for my sake. kiss my darling baby a thousand times for
[pages missing][743] The +++ of your passage & all its +++ +++ fills me with +++ +++ as[?] I think of it. But +++ +++ to my needs – +++ +++ you all. The accounts of dear baby +++ are full +++ interest for me. I am doubly anxiouis for letters now & when to +++ ++++ last week. I +++ to belive that baby must be ill & Emma unable or unwilling to tell me so. Then I get there with anxiety & want to hurrry time over till you shall be free. I am very glad you left Emma in Boston. very glad +++ +++ took Cornelia & her children to her house. before you could be persuaded to go there to stay. (because I dont believe he loves you enough to want you. You have spoken too freely your opinion of her children & their belongings — for Mr Crow to love you much:) & I think it will be better for Emma & baby to be in Boston. If my letter. which should have reached you on board the Canada. had reached you. I dont believe you would have gone to stay +++ more than a day for Cornelia advised Emma in her letter not to go! But you must not let on that you know Cornelia wrote so. But Emma is becoming concerned of Mary's value! I am greatly obliged to you for going to Chicago. but I really wish for his own sake with Mr Crow. That Mr Bishop would make the written report which he prom -ised last May – & has never sent. Mr Crow is getting very cranky about it & I am sorry. I wish you would +++ Bishop to do this "for his own sake with Mr Crow." I am very well satisfied with my investments in Mr Crow's [line illegible] I am thankful +++ +++ +++ as a mititary commande as a officer +++ times & places he can be sufficiently hard & brutal to punch folks. but as a military commander I would as soon fight under you [rest of the page illegible]
